I don't mean for this to be super dark, but sometimes I let my thoughts go to a morbid place. I get scared and feel anxious. Blame this on any number of things, but sometimes I just get nervous.
With social media and constant news coverage and every day little tragedies, it's hard not to feel the fragility of life on a regular basis.
Sometimes I worry when I look at Jack. Do I get to keep you forever?
I have never loved the way I love my son. I can remember sobbing my postpartum crazy hormone heart out 3 days after Jack was born. Sobbing because I was scared of all of the one million things that could happen to my precious, wonderful, amazing baby.
Now, 17 months later, I love him MORE. And that scared feeling? It's not so frequent. But when it comes, it's even more intense.
I cannot fathom my life without my son in it. I cannot picture a me without him, or what losing him could do to me.
Then my thoughts flip. What if I leave him? Of course I will one day. But how long do I get? Long enough for him to remember me? Long enough to see him grow?
I want my boy to KNOW how much I love him, and be able to recall memories and moments that remind him of that any time he needs.
So I can want and fear and worry. I can wrap myself up in a blanket of anxiety and let it smother me. Sometimes I do - and then I feel guilty.
I do not get to know. I don't get to plan. I just get to trust and love and live each day.
Bad things happen every day. But good things happen every day too. In times of dark thoughts and anxiety, I just need to take a deep breathe, say a prayer, and feel blessed for the moments I do get and the ones I have already had.