Love {and a freebie}

"Be gentle and ready to forgive.  Never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others. Most of all,  let love guide your life..." COL 3:12-14
What day more fitting to talk about love? Maybe this post isn't the most traditional of Valentine's day posts, but it's on my heart so I guess that means it matters here. 
This time of year in my faith is a time of reflection. In effort to find more peace, balance, and positivity in my life - strengthening my faith life is pretty key. It's not something I talk about on here a lot because it often makes me uncomfortable so I can only imagine how others may feel... but, alas, here we are. Talking Jesus. 
So often I am my own worst enemy. There are not many mistakes that I have made, no matter how long ago, that I don't still beat myself up about. I am sensitive and take things hard. I get bogged down in self-doubt and uncertainty. I have a hard time giving up control. 
So that bible verse above? It's getting to me. It's resonating in so many different ways, and I cannot get it out of my head. 
"Let love guide your life"
Let love for who you are and what you do guide you through the day. Let love for your spouse and your children guide you through the hard times. Let love for God ease your mind and and soften your heart. 
let love guide your life. 
These words are going to be my theme for now. I'm hoping to come out the other end of this season of Lent a stronger, more fulfilled me. 

download here
Oh, and I also gave up Twitter and Instagram for 40 days. Yes, I must be batshit crazy. I am already having withdrawals... I plan to fully take advantage of the Sunday cheat rule (all the good Catholics do it!). I'm hoping that its difficulty will force me into prayer and the elimination of the distraction will help me to be a more present wife and mother! Wish me luck! 
Happy Valentine's Day!

Do I Get To Keep Him?

I don't mean for this to be super dark, but sometimes I let my thoughts go to a morbid place. I get scared and feel anxious. Blame this on any number of things, but sometimes I just get nervous.

With social media and constant news coverage and every day little tragedies, it's hard not to feel the fragility of life on a regular basis. 

Sometimes I worry when I look at Jack. Do I get to keep you forever? 

I have never loved the way I love my son. I can remember sobbing my postpartum crazy hormone heart out 3 days after Jack was born. Sobbing because I was scared of all of the one million things that could happen to my precious, wonderful, amazing baby. 

Now, 17 months later, I love him MORE. And that scared feeling? It's not so frequent. But when it comes, it's even more intense. 

I cannot fathom my life without my son in it. I cannot picture a me without him, or what losing him could do to me. 

Then my thoughts flip. What if I leave him? Of course I will one day. But how long do I get? Long enough for him to remember me? Long enough to see him grow? 

I want my boy to KNOW how much I love him, and be able to recall memories and moments that remind him of that any time he needs. 

So I can want and fear and worry. I can wrap myself up in a blanket of anxiety and let it smother me. Sometimes I do - and then I feel guilty. 

I do not get to know. I don't get to plan. I just get to trust and love and live each day. 

Bad things happen every day. But good things happen every day too. In times of dark thoughts and anxiety, I just need to take a deep breathe, say a prayer, and feel blessed for the moments I do get and the ones I have already had. 

*Photo by my Brother-In-Law, Dr. J. Scott