Do I Get To Keep Him?

I don't mean for this to be super dark, but sometimes I let my thoughts go to a morbid place. I get scared and feel anxious. Blame this on any number of things, but sometimes I just get nervous.

With social media and constant news coverage and every day little tragedies, it's hard not to feel the fragility of life on a regular basis. 

Sometimes I worry when I look at Jack. Do I get to keep you forever? 

I have never loved the way I love my son. I can remember sobbing my postpartum crazy hormone heart out 3 days after Jack was born. Sobbing because I was scared of all of the one million things that could happen to my precious, wonderful, amazing baby. 

Now, 17 months later, I love him MORE. And that scared feeling? It's not so frequent. But when it comes, it's even more intense. 

I cannot fathom my life without my son in it. I cannot picture a me without him, or what losing him could do to me. 

Then my thoughts flip. What if I leave him? Of course I will one day. But how long do I get? Long enough for him to remember me? Long enough to see him grow? 

I want my boy to KNOW how much I love him, and be able to recall memories and moments that remind him of that any time he needs. 

So I can want and fear and worry. I can wrap myself up in a blanket of anxiety and let it smother me. Sometimes I do - and then I feel guilty. 

I do not get to know. I don't get to plan. I just get to trust and love and live each day. 

Bad things happen every day. But good things happen every day too. In times of dark thoughts and anxiety, I just need to take a deep breathe, say a prayer, and feel blessed for the moments I do get and the ones I have already had. 

*Photo by my Brother-In-Law, Dr. J. Scott
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Justine said...

I could have written this word for word with what I feel., thanks for sharing :)

High School Sweethearts said...

I have felt this whole post before. With my first son I had a hard time sleeping because I would think I would hear him cry or that something bad was going to happen. I have also had the thoughts about bad things happening to them and don't know how the parents who have lost a child go on (they are SO strong). Or that I will (or someone important to them)die when they are young and have them ask where so and so is or wonder if they will forget me.

Your not alone in these feelings, I think most moms feel this way (sure dads too)

Lauren said...

Sweet Kayla - I couldn't have said this more perfectly myself. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. To the point where it sometimes consumes me, too much of me that I forget to enjoy the here and now moments. I drive worrying about what will happen if we wreck, if he will know enough about me if I died and he didn't. If he'd know how much I love him and would give anything for him. I worry going to sleep at night, worry that he will stop breathing and I won't be there to see it and wake him up and help him. I worry that he will be kidnapped when we move into our single family home next month. I worry constantly. And it freaks me out. I think its normal though because we truly love them SO much that its unfathomable. You're an awesome mom, don't forget that. Thanks for posting this...I needed to know I'm not alone. ;)

SMD @ lifeaccordingtosteph said...

What a well written post about an emotional subject.

I'm not a parent, but I am a worrier...I can't having someone that's basically your heart living outside of your body and NOT worrying.

Anonymous said...

You are so blessed to have a cute, sweet litte man! All you can do is thank God for him and pray that he puts his protective hand over him everyday!

I found your blog on the Greek link-up page! I adore it!


Mrs. H said...

I can completely relate to this post. For the first few months of BK's life I had this irrational fear that one day someone was going to show up and ask for her back. Almost eleven months later and I'm still in awe that she is all mine.

Xo, B

Marie said...

I totally feel you. I've wanted to write a similar post many times about my baby boy, but was sure I was nuts. Thanks for sharing :)

Andie said...

I think as moms (especially first timers) we have these fears and they are normal. I mean, we are taking care of a whole other little person and I feel like as women, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the caretaker and sometimes our anxieties and fears manifest themselves in this way.

That Jesus Calling devotional I told you about really touches on this very frequently!